FINDING MY XANADU

Or, Muted and Managed and Meaningful

In Xanadu, did Kubla Khan,

a stately pleasure-dome decree …

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I was not expecting much at all, to be honest. My friend pulled me in when she hinted at “community.” When it came to seeking gold in social media, I may as well have been looking for the Lost City of El Dorado - a mythological place that couldn’t possibly exist.

After wading through the miasma of manners that is Tweetbox, and the bargain basement of selfies that is InstaGimme, why would I think there could possibly be a place where virtual strangers were kind, well-mannered, respectful, and engaged thoughtfully?

SUBSTACK LOVE-IN, ENGAGE!

No matter how you choose to define “writer,” Substackers are thoughtful and thought-provoking. Like Alice’s trip through the looking glass, there have been a couple strident Red Queens, a baffling Mad Hatter or two, and some white rabbits that I didn’t bother chasing. But this was the right adventure for me.

Seven months later, I’m genuinely surprised that there are currently 15 people I engage with regularly (yes, I counted), whose unique voices and writing make me think and smile. I’m so surprised, a little reluctantly optimistic, and cautiously celebratory. Here in this space, people seem to reach across the divide of diversity. These are people, when I see their names, I lean in.

HOW DID I FIND 15 WRITERS I CONNECT WITH?

I block and mute with a heaping helping of balanced discretion and understanding.

A BEAN CAN BEGIN AN ADVENTURE!

(Sondheim reference, IYKYK)

Did you hear about The Great Bean Soup TikTok Tussle?

A woman posted a vegan bean soup recipe that went viral for all the wrong reasons. She soon found her comments flooded with people who asked her if she had the recipe without beans, and worse, people complaining that she should have posted a recipe that was for everyone.

This is often referred to as “main character syndrome,” or centering. In other words, we are not the main character in other peoples’ movies/novels. Instead of just moving on when they see that the recipe isn’t for them, they felt entitled to being represented.

Keeping this in mind, I regularly keep scrolling. I don’t insert myself into places that don’t concern me. I’m trying to find my people.

Ok. So how did I find 15 people?

So many wonderful platforms for shining a brilliant light on lived experiences. But also, some newsletters that over-identify with one thing to the point where after they’ve said their piece, it becomes repetitive and the well runs dry.

How do I explain this without offending anyone. lol
I’ll just say… if you’re not doing this, then there’s no need to be offended by that.
If you’re offended, there’s probably some part of you that is worried about this.

Here are some potential topics that people can fixate on. For me (for me) muting these topics this resulted in finding people who want to connect, who care about engaging, not pontificating.

Avoiding the following worked for me.

Generic writing advice.
Political myopia.
Put your cell phone down and get out in nature.
ADHD.
People trying to sound profound and Zen.
Build your business/mind your funnel.
Sobriety.
Exercise.
Uber Masculinity.
Meditation.
Pandering for validation, begging for permission.
People stuck in trauma loops.
People who have “figured out how to get subscribers.”
Accounts without a name/ personality. (I generally find it hard to connect with that).
Health advice.
Cynics/Doom-n-gloomers.

Thinking person’s caveat:
There are wonderful content-creators here who talk about a lot of those things, educating and sharing their personal experience. Some have very entertaining and single-focused platforms. OBVIOUSLY I’m not talking about them.

Some writers become their topic. I tend to mute them.

One group in that category I don’t mute however…. the god-bothering variety — judgmental people who feel it’s important to let you and everybody within earshot know that they love Jesus more than you do. IMMEDIATE HARD BLOCK.

I also tend to mute people who give hyperbolic advice: “You can’t possibly do ‘X’ if you’re not doing ‘Y.’ Cuz I do ‘Y’ and that’s what works for me. So it will work for you.”

I also mute business analysts and rabid monetizers, people who are obsessed with stats. Merely because that’s not where my interests lie. If I didn’t mute them, their posts take up valuable space in my feed.

AI ….

I tend to mute AI users who are defensive about why everyone is concerned about AI.
But I do enjoy reading about AI and how it’s evolving. Well-informed is forewarned.
I do usually mute people who rely on AI to write their newsletters. Sorry not sorry.
But I don’t mute people who use it as an encyclopedic research tool.
Voice is undeniable. IYKYK.

I tend to mute gurus — people who talk down from their mountain. They carry a palpable desperation, and a pervasive tone of needing to convince everyone.

I mute people who pretend to be therapists. You wouldn’t think there would be people on here doing that, but there are. They can be quite sly about it . So far, I’ve come across three.

And lastly. I’m not here to read someone’s debut novel. That’s just not why I’m here.

BLOCKING

I block the usual suspects. People who lack empathy and compassion, the insensitive and obtuse, unkind people, people who are outrage addicts, people with no sense of humor.

Of course, none of these are hard rules. There are always some exceptions.

So who’s left?

So far, 15 wonderful creators, and counting, who fill my feed. And lots of new people daily!

No offense intended in any of the above. I’m merely sharing with you how I curated my own engagement. With 50 million users, you have to block and mute or you won’t find your people. I can’t take time for granted.

The ironic part of this whole post… is that if anyone doesn’t understand, takes it personally, and they unfollow me, they are doing me and themselves a favor. We’re both just trying to find our people. I’m okay with that. You can never be so good as to avoid other people’s projections.

THIS FUNNY PLACE CALLED SUBSTACK

Every day, I laugh, learn something new, find support, great reminders, refreshing perspectives, insight, thoughtfulness, beautiful art and photos, and squirrel-love (ahem). There are people out there who want to engage, not just collect a following. And I find that enormously hopeful and encouraging.

I read an article today about how queer men are really looking for family and not finding it. And I realized that’s what Substack is about for me. Community, really.
Oh, I don’t need a mother or a father, but a sister, brother, buddy, pal, water-cooler mate, appreciator of the examined life… that seems reasonable in this place.

And now, open your eyes and see… what we have made is real. We are in Xanadu.

Leg-warmers optional,

..

Leo in L.A